Iced Rain
by ArcadiasDreams
Summary: Wammys house. Mxm, MxN, Shonen-ai. Story of MmN's life. Rating will raise with age.
1. I ll be your home

**Iced rain**

_Chapter One : Part 1__  
__I´ll be your home…_

Winter was all there was. Pale white and icy blue light over the hills. And every single day a pair like the colour of the sky was looking outside the window on the second floor. "Snow…Pale white snow..again." The Head resting on his hands his heart skipped a warm beat, reflecting the smile in his eyes.  
"Snooowflakes!", he shouted and jumped away from the window sill and seemed pretty alive. Due to his lack of taming his emotions, as always, he could barely hold himself back from the pleasure of this iced rain.

He ran down the floors at six in the morning to tell everybody, so they should get up to play in the snow. Now! Everything he wanted had to be done in a few minutes, he hated waiting…  
And on such a morning he just couldn´t keep the secret to himself, that it was snowing again.

He just loved snow. Snow made everything…equal.

...

-N-

A flash of laughter ran through his veins when a sleepy creature slowly began to open one shy eye after another. "Hmmm…" A pair of grey hair strands from the already pretty messed up head were shouting for a comb, and these dark shadows, telling stories about their restless night: Solving this worlds riddles instead of feeding his weak body with some sleep…

He excluded himself with knowing it. It had been all part of the plan, to stay away from everybody, in case not to get hurt like the other times, when cruel children tried to beat him up in his hometown. Of course - he was happy to be here, to stay on the floor, doing as he pleased; As long as he went to classes.

He hoped he wouldn´t meet someone obtrusive. They all should stay where they were.  
Far, far away from him; - A few.. or even ten meters at last…So he could have the common room for himself. The most children of Wammys House left it like that, and never showed up, as long as this weird, sharp, lifeless creature was sitting in the room and inherited it completely with its obtaining presence.

It seemed like his eyes were everywhere, but also his soul was nowhere to be found.  
He aversed being outside with the others. He hated company.  
He knew what would happen to him again, if he did. Sooner or later…  
So he stayed with logic. Why should he ask himself silly queations, taking away all the time he could spend on training and solving math problems. And surely questions would come up to his already busy mind, thinking about others. Thinking about Philosophy.  
He couldn´t stand it. Because he didn´t understand them at all.  
Of course; - Roger gave him books about the humans´ psyche.  
So he already had a very neat picture about the nature of these humans surrounding him in mind. And yes, - he already knew, that Wammys children were better than the rest of the outside world. – But still…  
Still he hated these emotions, this loud yelling and screaming of joy and sometimes word battles with less good arguments and … Lack of good, plain, communication with intellect.  
They were all too focused on their feelings, when arguing around with others.

All problems in the world were caused by human feelings.

He wouldn´t have this problem. He´d just stay the pale, lifeless figure he was.  
Doing his own thing, with less stress for his fragile body.

Who knew what could happen to him? – No, to stay where he was had always been the best part of his entire life. No questioning, but solving. Every logic thing had it´s solution.  
This wasn´t about settling quarrels.

This way, was way better.

...

-M-

"Hey Matt! Wake up you sleepy head!" Knocking on the door.  
Entering without permission.  
Mello positioned himself in front of his friends bed, his hands at his waist in fists, as if he was challenging him… No response. He rushed down to grab his shoulders. "Don´t … play … videogames … all … night!"  
He shook Matt out of his land of dreams.  
"Geez…" sighed the honey-blonde.  
"No way to get your lazy couch potato ass out in the snow, ne?"  
As quick as he had rushed in, he turned away…  
Slightly turning his back in a then-sleep-until-afternoon-and-don't-recognize-me manner…  
- POW! -

"DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU MATT!! To throw a pillow at me!"  
He rushed around in anger.  
Furiously he throw the pillow back at his friend. - Unfortunately it didn´t hit him at all.  
"Hahaha.." Pretty alive Matt had already thrown his Arms in front of his face. Within seconds the trajectory of the pillow changed,- and flew against Mellos forehead.  
The white fluffy thing was falling to the ground in front of him, he didn´t move, only his head seemed to follow the object; - But his hands seemed red somehow... in fact of the pressure against it´s fingernails from the inside. Raising his fists immediately they opened while rushing to the ground and Mello revealed his anger while holding it high and ran to Matts bed, where the gamer already had begun laughing.  
While the boy with the icy blue eyes hit him hard with the pillow, he just couldn´t do anything but to continue his laughing. The louder it went, the more Mello seemed to hit him.  
"You … ass ... think … u ... could ... beat … me … huh?" Matt went to rolling himself over the bed, holding his stomach during his laughing episodes, when his `friend´  
didn´t hit his face with the soft pillow.  
"Of cour-rr-rrrs-ss-e I – hhh –hhhh –hh do –h-uhuhuhuu"

_Okay- Matt.. This is WAR!_

Soon he turned to grab the wrists of the red haired, so that he was unable to avenge himself from new hits with the pillow. Mello finished the pillow-massacre with one powerful hit in Matts face, while he tickled his friend under his arms and stomach.  
Soon the gamer ripped the loose pillow off his face and slammed it against Mello and it finally fell to the floor. Out of any other weapons Mello managed to turn around and finally sat on Matts stomach to grab his feet with a smirk. "Revenge is sweet!" He shouted with a bad laugh and the boy under him could barely move.

"Yeah,..Laugh yourself to death you traitor!" Mello shouted  
When suddenly Matt managed to start a counter strike: He grabbed Mellos shoulders from the back and landed him with the back in front of him, grabbed and crossed his wrists in front of Mellos own stomach and finally turned him around.  
"Matt you.." But Matt wouldn´t allow more curses in his direction: He started a tickle attack from the blondes neck under his arms and to his stomach..  
"Admit your defeat Mello!"  
"Never!"  
"Okay..Then, what was it? Die of laughter?"  
"You…"  
"Yes, yes…I know already…"  
Now Matt was laughing his ass off. He knew Mello would rather die of laughter, than to ever, ever admit, that he lost to him.  
So he finally stopped, and fell beside his friend.  
Mello stopped instead and made a sullen sound. His face looked so ridiculous, he just couldn´t help it.  
"Hahaha…" – "Nani? What? What the hell is it again Matt?!" – "Your face! Huhuh… Looks hilarious.. When you look..Haha.. So angry Hahahah"  
It took them seven minutes to calm down and to get them ready for the snow.

- + -

Lucky they were, to live in a sheltered house, so that the doors were opened to the yard at six o clock in the early morning. It was dark outside, but the first sight of the day seemed to appear in the east.  
Many children were seen during the summer as in the last warm days in fall.  
But today, no one was to be seen so early in the morning.

The dark blonde hair of Mello tousled in the wind. With an inner smile he observed every inch covered of white snow before his eyes. He seemed to forget being sulky at last, when he only stared at this pale white cold…

He turned around and saw Matt, holding his breath. "Hey.. Mel…Don´t run so fast."  
"You really should train yourself more. You r perseverance is really nothing compared to a snake!" A pair of blue eyes watching him mixed with some pity and derision.  
"Stop making fun of my diseases!" Matt said with a impish grin.  
"Sure" his friend replied with a smirk "At the age of fourteen you´d better be prepared for the last years of your life as much as possible." – "Oh dear!"

But Mello didn´t care, he started running around in the afreshed snow. Happy to be the first one whose shoes left deep marks in the snow. For a moment he stopped and turned around, making sure his friend wouldn´t fall in the snow in case of less breathing.  
But he seemed to be okay. He stood there and was watching the snow like he did before.  
_Lets wake him from his slumber._  
Mello thought with a devilish flame in his eyes…  
When he finally hit his best friend with the snowball:  
"THIS is for the pillow fight in the morning!" He shouted.  
Now he really should get his feet runnin…

-N-

Frizzy hair showed up at one window of the common room…  
With a sense of delusion his own mind told him not to go outside, not to be jealous of these two guys. He knew them. Both filled up with life, always smiling, always chatting. When Mello had a talk with Roger again, and he felt treated bad again.. It was always Matt who cheered him up afterwards.  
He strived for better marks than him. But most of the time this boy with the dark blonde hair made mistakes in his essays, using the wrong terms.  
Of course he was brilliant. But instead of just writing the plain facts down, he always placed not only his own thoughts, but his own feelings in it.

He sighed. They were throwing snowballs at each other. Mello in his black winter-jacket and Matt in his red one. The scarf with stripes in black and red…  
He saw the game-boy fanatic placing a snowball directly in Mellos face.  
The picture of rising anger on the face of the blue eyed one could really scare the hell out of somebody. – But not out of Matt, so it seemed. He knew him… He saw Matt taking two, three steps back on the winterly ground, when the final attack of Mello reached him with full force: With the left hand he put some snow in the back of the jacket, when his friend wanted to flee away from him. But soon the fiery tempered one drove the gamer around and soaped his face with a bunch of snow.  
Where ever they were, it was as if his own mind drove him to always watch these two.

He felt as if his throat wasn´t able to serve him with air properly…

-M-

He liked Matt. In the opposite of most people, he had some guts.  
And he really seemed to be the only one, who understood him best.

Now it was Matts turn to run away from the chocoholic, he knew Mello wouldn´t stop soaping his face ´till the very next day, if he didn´t admit his defeat.  
Spurred from this morning, when he had won, he wouldn´t give up so soon.  
He ran with all he´d got. There was a little man-made forest next to the yard, he wouldn´t have to run this direction unless there was a different way to escape his friend.  
Breathing sharp the icy air, he risked a look: Mello was close up to him. In ten steps or more, he´d be able to keep up to him. He was looking in front of him again, when he finally realized the end of the Wammys House premises. In front of him was a tree, and the wall with the security fence…

... Too many things happened the next seconds; - Mello tapped him at the shoulder and in the rush of the move, Matt was thrown against the tree. Mello wanted to turn him around and had already a bunch of snow clutched in his right hand, when he accidently ran into him, - and `kissed´ him on his mouth…Okay.. He felt some tooth and flesh mixed with a bit blood, but within nano-seconds they opened their mouth in affect, not to break their tooth or something.  
They freezed for some moments…


	2. I ll be your home : Part 2

_Chapter One : Part 2__  
__I´ll be your home…_

_... Too many things happened the next seconds; - Mello tapped him at the shoulder and in the rush of the move, Matt was thrown against the tree. Mello wanted to turn him around and had already a bunch of snow clutched in his right hand, when he accidently ran into him, - and `kissed´ him on his mouth…Okay.. He felt some tooth and flesh mixed with a bit blood, but within nano-secounds they opened their mouth in affect, not to break their tooth or something.__  
__They freezed for some moments…_

With eyes expressing their astonishment they seemed fixed at the point. Moist.. was the first impression they had; - Moist warm flesh and a sense of blood.  
Matt started to shake; - Was it because of the icy cold weather?  
They didn´t move. Every move would make them realize what just had happened, and also they would feel their tongues more than they already did right now…  
These few secounds felt like hours..He forced himself to watch the expression in these blue eyes in front of him.. Due to his fiery nature he seemed quite calm now and his eyes looked more curious than mad of anger.  
Because he shook, he moved a bit;- if he wanted or not, - so he became to feel what his friend tasted like, better. A rest chocolate..mixed with blood.  
He felt himself heating up and when he watched Mellos cheeks, he noticed that they were flushed, more than normal…  
_Okay, Matt thought, Whether he kills me afterwards, or he´ll just laugh about it…Hopefully._  
As soon as he thought about it, he started his first shy moves. As if he tried to lick the rest chocolate flavour from his tongue… As if he had thought the same thing, his friend started to move, too. _Damn it!..The blonde thought..Damn it…But..Whatever…_  
It felt thrilling, shy and soft. He could feel the soft skin and the cold nose of his friend, and his heart felt as if it could burst every moment. Blood pumped through his veins, through every fibre and up to his throat, where seemed to be something, that tried to avoid him to breathe and to get back into reality. He closed his eyes. _Maybe I shoul..d..nt…_Matt thought.  
But pretty soon every thought seemed to be banned out of his rational mind and rested now in a deep slumber in his stomach. _Well whatever…_  
He grabbed a few strands of Mellos honey-like hair.  
When Mello finally parted and rung for air. He watched him with an expression in his eyes that seemed to ask him "we really didn't do this did we?", and turned around.

Mello touched his mouth with his right hand. He felt his face blushing all over up to the roots of his hair.  
_Everything is under your control…he thought. Just turn around and say that its normal, that people usually kiss their friends the first time, before hey have real partners.__  
__Tell him you were curious.. Tell him that it was just by accident and that he shouldn´t put too much in this whole kissing thing. It was just a kiss at last. Just a kiss….__  
__Why in hell do I seem to freak out because of such a trifle…?!_

If Mello would have risked a look at Matts face, he had seen, that his friend was pretty messed up right now.

His hands still felt the soft, silky hair so he carved his fingernails beside him into the frozen trees bark. He wished that it would toughen him, but it didn´t seem to disappear…  
Out of breath, and still shaking a bit, he felt dizzy and in his hazy mind, he came to the earnest realization, that he would never forget it; This taste, the soft tongue, and the calm, warm feeling that almost drove him insane.

_No.._He thought,_this..this can´t be. He just..liked him..didn´t he? He was his friend. His best friend. But.. So.. He won´t loose him, or? He didn´t want that to happen…_  
He shook his head to the side, and grid his teeth.

"Hey Mel? What was that?!", he started laughing, first a bit numb and as if he was coughing. Suddenly a bit louder… He didn´t knew if it had been because he was scared, or..  
…If he laughed of happiness. It was a weird feeling…  
And also a weird situation…  
He went to his best friend and kicked him against the back of his shoes…  
"You damn idiot stole my first kiss!"  
"Ehh.." Mello looked shocked and unfortunately, he was out of words.

"But.." _No.._he couldn´t talk this over, could he? _But…__  
__…it was you who started kissing me?_  
His tongue still tingled from the first touch and..no matter how hard he´d bit it the last few minutes… It was as if his body refused to ever forget it.  
He felt .. a bit… ashamed.  
He just stared at Matt, who was laughing with full force now and it sounded warm…Warm…

_Open your mouth you dumbass.. He taught himself.. Say something…Anything will do…_

"Hey Matt..you…"  
- "Hey.. You really eat chocolate that early in the morning? That´s pretty disgusting!"  
"Don´t tell me what to eat.. I.. need chocolate…"  
"But at five in the morning?"  
"How do you know I got up at five?"  
"Well.. I know you.. You never sleep.. I was just guessing.." The red haired answered, lowering his voice while talking…  
He coughed…  
"Very cold huh…We should get inside now.. Its breakfast time already…"  
Mello noticed that he was standing in the snow and it didn´t seem so, that he had moved during the conversation. He was dizzy. And his feet still felt… weak…somehow…

"Yes…" He followed Matt, who already stared walking a few metres.  
"Hey.. Hopefully you´re not goin´ to get sick…" He looked at the red jacket, and noticed that it was all wet because of his snow attacks before… "Roger will blame me.."  
The blonde looked down in the snow with an expression as if he already had been scolded.  
"Well.. Roger will tell us one of his terrifying-two-hour-scolds if we don´t get back in time for breakfast." He looked at mello with a gin.  
"You should learn to be reliable in your age.. And you should set an example to the younger kids .. " The way Matt tried to imitate Roger´s reproachful voice broke the ice of silence between both friends…  
Mello laughed… And it seemed as if he´d free himself at this very moment.  
What was he afraid of? It was his friend and there was nothing to worry about…

"If Roger scolds one.." Mello replied to his friend.."Than..not me".. And Melllo ran .. He ran back to Wammys House…Matt only a few steps behind him…


	3. Prayer

**iced rain**

_Chapter Two:_

_Prayer…_

_"Lord, give me grace and dancing feet__#_

_And the power to impress_

_Lord, give me grace and dancing feet_

_Let me outshine them all_

_Is it so wrong to crave recognition?_

_2nd best runner up_

_Is it so wrong to want rewarding?_

_To want more, than is given to you"__  
_

_[Bloc Party – Prayer]_

-M-

The last days everything seemed to be the same… Mello studied very hard, the next big essays and examina were approaching.

He had no time to waste. Not even a minute could hold him back from torturing his sleepless body from studying. He wouldn't loose this time.

NOT THIS TIME!

Because of his anger, he couldn't concentrate properly…

"SHIT!!!" He screamed in anger.

Slamming the pencil hard against the wall, it broke already.

Someone's knocking appeared on the door.

"Mello ?!" It was Roger. "Are you learning, still?!"

The impulsive boy risked a look at the clock, which he placed beside his bed, not to see time passing by during his studies; - So he wouldn't be seduced to fall asleep.

It is early in the morning.. It is early in the morning..

It is early in the morning…

He repeated to himself and refused to give his body some sleep.

Usually he ate two bars of chocolate then, or he woke Matt to stay up with him and to wake him up after resting half an hour. He knew his body wouldn't get up if he was exhausted from learning like this. His strong will wouldn't be enough to force himself.

But this time.. He couldn't wake Matt…

He.. just didn't want to…

And he needed sleep himself during this exam-period.

He opened the door. "Hello Roger." He managed to keep his eyes open during his greeting,- which wasn't that easy. The old man noticed, but he knew, if he told Mello anything about his difficulty to keep his eyes opened, the blonde would wake half of the orphanage in his anger.

So he smiled amiable and just asked: "Do you know what time it is?"

"It´s five a clock, and.." A look to the side.." Seven minutes." The young boy told him with a piece of proud in his voice.

"You've been studying the whole time? Without getting any sleep?"

- "Yes!" Mello replied, now pretty alive, his eyes reflecting his inner unrest.

He smiled at Roger.

"You know, that exams are already starting at nine o'clock in the morning young man?"

He knew, the blonde wouldn't reach this boys mind either. But at least he could give it a try… As always.

"Yes. I'll be there. How could I forget it?" Burning eyes of anger…

"No.. Mello.. I mean.. It's okay. I like to see if you're studying hard, but don't overdo it. Your body won't be able to.."

"I sleep when I'm done with finishing all the lessons in this book." Math. Something that was filled with logic, it had the power to make him calm down, instead of thinking too much about the marks and that white snowball. That's why Mello liked to throw them against people or even walls… They finally brake, he thought… Absent minded he looked down, afraid that Roger could see his thoughts through his eyes. Mello knew he wouldn't allow such behaviour, but sometimes, he wished to throw Near against some walls and to hit him hard and with full force. But no thoughts about that now. Mello tried too get his conscience back.

"I'll be okay. Thank you Roger. I'll do my best."

"I know Mello, you always do."

Roger seemed to sigh from the inside when he finally got back to his room.

He always had to be patient when he was talking to Mello.

He knew that every single word would be obstructed by the wary blonde and could be misinterpret. Roger rated the chances high, that he'd misinterpret his worries about his health again… Sure he would. But it had always been like this.

No need to worry… He yawned… and went to sleep.

_Roger.. if you think I let Near win because you like him most…_

He wouldn't hold himself back, he never did. It wasn't his style. Giving up. Pshaw!! He'd try eeeven harder… He would show Near what it meant to be a true successor..

He..

would..

Show…him…

…

So Mello slept until the exams arrived.

He really had been exhausted from the last two month learning and after he finished the midterms, he had a good feeling.

This had never been the case before...

He wondered about himself a bit, when he recognized it.

But.. "Whatever.." He stretched his arms up in the blue sky and watched his breath turning into little clouds. It was icy cold, still.

-N-

He watched the blonde from the inside as usual. When he saw Mello stretching his arms,

his hair loosened and fell over his shoulders…he noticed, that they were smooth and shiny…

They made him feel the need to touch them whenever he saw them.

Every single strand…The white boy released a barely audible sigh.

Mello was so skinny although he was always eating amounts of chocolate.

He stood and stared, grabbing the curtains of the common room.

Near barely managed to look outside, in fact that he was midget in the opposite of the other children in the orphanage. That's why he preferred to have a half-sitting half-standing position. So he could get up and run away very quick, and on the other side he could grab his knee if he felt lonely or was thinking, or to have a good barrier if somebody wanted to kick him… He had thought it over: This was the position that appeared to be the most save.

He'd calculated that already.

Near was deeply in his world of thoughts and numbers, when suddenly a voice tinkled through his ears.

"Near!"

Before fright he almost fell from the chair on which he stood…

"Hello Near!" He grabbed the window sill in the last moment, but the chair fell down.

Linda ran to catch him and help him. Linda was the only one who was talking to him. The very first day she appeared to be the only one Near could trust a little. She had a warm smile and the white haired boy thought that her drawing skills were almost perfect at her age… And they looked so.. warm and pretty.

He knew she had a good heart. But no matter which person it was, he never showed any emotion. Not to Linda, or Roger.. Or even… Mello. If Linda was drawing him in the common room, what she did very often (he wondered why..) and Mello came around to release his anger on his Lego, he just sat there. He was stunned by this eyes.. Icy blue, he watched them while Mello was yelling at him., they seemed so … perfect.

Like the blue of the sky.. He never really heard him, when he spoke his fiery words of anger. He couldn't do anything, but to watch them.

Mello wasn't perfect because he was too emotional.

And Near wasn't perfect, because he was less emotional.

Near was more able to think rational, and Mello maybe could have done that too, if he only could force himself to calm down.

But it wasn't Mellos nature - Just as Mellos wasn't _his_nature.

"You really should take more care about yourself!" The brown-haired girl told him.

She knew Near didn't like people touching him, so she released him out of her arms directly after saving him from the upcoming fall.

Although she didn't really wanted to let go…

Hollow eyes stared at the floor. Turning his hair between his fingers, he was happy that his hair already grew that long, so that it saved him from Linda, seeing him blush.

It was quite too mortifying.

He catched his conscience again: "Thanks."

She saw that Near seemed to be ashamed. She smiled. This guy seemed to be a bit clumsy when it came to the easiest things: Like.. moving his feet. "Everything okay?" She asked with a warm smile. Near raised his head a little but averted looking in her eyes directly.

"Yes." He wiped the dust off his clothes. Standing there, unsure what to do next. Everything had been said, right? He slowly returned to his Puzzle.

A few Lego towers were raising up; unfinished.

Linda was wondering about the fact that Near usually never went away, if something wasn't finished properly. That was… strange.

She didn't want to be impatient, so she didn't ask him further. He didn't seem to be in the mood of talking more than a few words. This wouldn't be something the other kids at the orphanage would notice, but Linda did.

The little girl was very pleased about the fact, that she knew him a bit better than the others (so she thought). And the fact that Near talked to her.

And sometimes more than just one word for an answer.

But it seemed that it wasn't the right time for that. So she went away.

She had painted him only yesterday, so there was no reason to stay.

A bit confused with a slight feeling of being rejected she went out of the common room…


	4. My poor brain

iced rain

_Chapter Three:_

_My poor brain…_

"My poor brain..

Real life is so hard  
We hide in the stars  
That's where our heads are  
My head and your heart

This is a black out  
Don't let it go to waste  
This is a black out  
I want to detonate."

…

[Foo Fighters – My poor brain]

Matt had some difficulties in concentrating himself. Roger wondered, usually this boy never had problems with concentration, his skills in thinking as in writing were fast and his apprehension usually really quick… He wondered.

Roger shook his head: "Must be the age…" He told himself. Matt had been different than the other two candidates. He was calm and always kept a cool head at everything he did.

So there must be something different, that threw Matt out of the way.

He'd have a talk with him. He seemed to be nervous and restless…

He went out of the office and was on the way to the classrooms. `They have break right now´, he sighed… `Maybe I get old.´ But he already stood on the floor as some children came along, all running and yelling, the laughter made the old keeper of the orphanage put on a warm smile. But suddenly someone crashed into him…

"Mello!" – But The blond boy ran away, holding a chocolate in his hands with…

"Matt.." His voice not more than a sorrowful sigh…

He really had to talk to the red-haired then…

--

-M-

"Yo Matt, did you see Rogers face?" Mellos voice making a happy sound.

- Matt smiled at his best friend: "This was hilarious…Haha.." They were running into the white light, that escaped the open doors to the outside. About 10cm new snow came down to earth during the last night.

Mello recalled on the yard that he noticed a pair of deep blackness looking at him, - of course he didn't want to hit Roger, but he just was… not looking where he was running within a flash of seconds…

As usual this guy named Near went to the common room during the breaks.

_´Geez…Maybe he thinks he's too high above us to play with his court. He's so damn __pretentious. Next time.. You're doomed Near!´_

He didn't really hate him the first day he saw him, but his behaviour. He seemed to have issues with talking and not moving as slowly as a turtle. And this frizzy hair…

It looked soft, but..

_Anyway.. I hate him. Doesn't he use a comb once in a while?_

_He never says a word, even in class._ Well.. Not much. But..

Only if _he_ told something wrong this

He frowned upon this. Next time..he..

_NO THIS TIME!!_ The results had to be there in the evening so he'd confront him with his victory as if it had been a walkover. _Hah!_

He smiled dangerously vicious.

"Hey.. Mel" A pair of green eyes watching him a few inches away… He touched his forehead. "No.." he shook his head in a slight manner. "No fever"…

- finally the blonde woke from his slumber, rushing up from his half-bending position… "You really looked like that bad gremlin, holding a snowball.." He watched the small puddle in Mellos hands… "But now, it's water I guess…" Matt mentioned with a spark of a nasty grin reflecting in his eyes.

"Really.. What were you thinking about?" – Mello looked in the common room direction.

Taking a new snowball in his hand.

Soon the fun for Matt was over. His eyes suddenly went numb.

_`The exams..What else…´_ he thought with a voice, releasing his displeasure about it through sharp breathing.

Mello threw the snowball hard against the common room windows.

_I´ll surpass you Near. You´ll see…´_ His eyes turning into slices…Not noticing his friend shaking his head, concerned about it.

-m-

When he went back to class with Mello, he noticed that around these blue eyes were surrounded by deep shadows.

Hopefully his friend didn´t notice his. He was very pleased about the fact that he got his aviator glasses… So his `friend´ wouldn't notice his reddened eyes…

Last night had been hell for the redhaired…

-+-

_Flashback:_

"This.." He sunk his head in the bedding. "Can´t be true…" He sighed.

The clock seemed to be ticking inaccordance beat with his heart…

Sleepless he was rolling from one side to another. He didn't want to fall asleep…

Because if he did…_Thump_

His body seemed to carry a heavy load.

This dreams… He knew it was forbidden.

_Forbidden by god_. – Or?

Was… wanting and loving a person this bad?!

_We were told god made mankind – So…_

_Why is it wrong to love…_ His best friend.

_He was his best friend…._

But.. how much did he love him.

_This.. feeling._

He watched the clock.. Again.. and again.

Time wouldn't disappear as quick as he wanted it to be.

His tongue reminded him on the taste of dark chocolate.

"Hhh.." He turned to the left.

His hair already a mess.

Blushed cheeks.

He touched his mouth..

The fingertips of his hand touched each other, as if they wanted to feel something..

But it wasn't there…

His eyes were aching from the bitter tears which appeared in them...

His breath increased. "Mel.."

_No.._

_Please.. Somebody…_

_Make this go away…_

He cried himself to sleep…

_Flashback end_

-+-

-N-

He sat in front of a few card towers he was building , - his Puzzle already solved over thirty times that day, - beside him.

The shiny figure was arranging a few more cards on top of the second tower (he finished them into one in his mind already) and stood there, - already standing on his bare tiptoes;- when a thump sound was sending a shock through his veins. He fell into the cards.

The room filled with airing pik, cross and more, he couldn't react in time and fell on his head.

"Nnn.." His head burning and his eyes began to fill themselves with tears.

_Thump … Thump…_

He didn't knew what to do…. He hated..pain. It was.. displeasant and…

"Hah…" He reached to his head..

_Thump … Thump…_

No blood. But _pain_. A heavy, disgusting sound. Blood pumping through his veins.

It sounded like everybody could hear it…

And.. the break.. When was it over? - _`No´.._ He raised his head a bit.

- Failure. –

Blood and pain and heartbeat reminded him on the pain.

Something wasn't okay…

He grabbed his head between his pale hands and lay there in foetus position, making himself as tiny as possible, clenching, not to make any kind of sound.

He reminded himself that it was best to breathe, but… _´Pain..´_

Nothing but pain…

He went unconscious…

-+-NOTE-+-

Poor Near. Poor Matty (;__; )  
Maybe Mello visits Near in the Wammy hospital?  
Will he apologize or not?  
Please review. It makes me happy.  
And turns Mello into adoration towards Near. XD


	5. Passing by

**iced rain**

Chapter Four :

_Passing by…_

[Yiruma]

They already were in class, when they heard someone screaming…

It was Linda, which was told to go after Near, because he weren't in class lately.

The door flew open and revealed a terrified Linda: Eyes widened and shocked up to the bones. "Roger.." She replied on the asking look of his.  
"Near… Near he…", she suddenly revealed the situation to herself in this very moment and her eyes filled with tears.  
"What? – What is it with Near, Linda?" He got up, - as quickly as he could manage at his age, - from the desk. He tried to calm her down by placing his hands on her shoulder. "So, where is he?"  
"In the common.. ro" – No one had ever seen the old man rushing and running at this speed to the common room…

The door still open, a few boys got up, and placed themselves at the entrance, to see what's up next.

Linda was running after Roger. She barely managed to hold herself up straight and was whimpering the whole time. She was as slow as Roger. Her voice came ragged, when she informed Roger about the fact, that she had already placed Near in a save position, as they had been learning during the very first day they were sent to the orphanage.

The scream of Roger reached the kids a few floors away…

"Hey.." One of the classmates sitting next to the window, yelled at the others. Then they all ran to the windows.

Panicky, Roger carried a tiny bunch of white in his arms.

White… covered with red stains…

-+-

-M-

When Mello noticed what was happening right before him, it already had been over.

He was still standing there… frozen, in front of the stained glass.

Nobody was left in the classroom but him…  
Finally his friends' voice reached through the foggy silence…

_Mel.. Hey.. Mel…_

"HEY!!! Do you even hear me?"

Mello turned around. – His eyes filled with misunderstanding,  
questioning Matt. His body made the impression as if he was made of ice, - unable to move.

"Can't be…My fault…" His usually cooled eyes now filled with horror.

…_!_

"My fault" He replied as an answer to himself with an earnest realization.

He ran out of the classroom… leaving a surprised and very worried Matt.

-+-

Frightened, he ran as fast as he could to get to Near.

In his anxiety, he painted the worst thing that could happen.

_Don't… Don't die Near_

He ran_…_ suddenly stumbled_…_ fell _…_pushed himself off the ground and ran again.

_Near… Don't you die…_

_It's all my fault…_

He recalled the terrifying scene:

Roger holding this tiny bundle, that had been Near…

His eyes filled with tears.

He held them back, but a few already flew over his cheeks.

He rubbed them away with his black shirt.

Almost there, he ran slower, seeing Roger standing in front of the ambulance door.

When he heard some steps coming his way he already knew they belonged to the fiery tempered Mello.

He wondered about the blonde rushing after him, _must be the results_, Roger thought,- _of course_ the boy wanted to know what _marks and place_ he was at.

"What's with.." Blue eyes looking up, the icy blue piercing through Rogers stunned look.

Roger was unable to get into the situation for a moment.

Mello with reddened eyes and a frightened look.

This.. was _Mello_, _was he?_

"What's with… " his breath became sharp, his voice aimed to be stronger under the loss of air, but the loudness increased… "The results.."

..Roger tried to understand… This look in Mellos' eyes, it was fragile and caring. No… this boy didn't want to know about the results,- well not in particular…  
So he didn't respond for a few seconds.

Too many seconds for Mello.

Soon the impulsive teen took his hands off his knees, stood up and faced Roger directly, a few inches away, it looked as if he tried hard to hold himself back from grabbing his collar…  
His nails pushed strong against the flesh of his hands.

"Don't you want to know what happened to Near and how he is doing?"

Rogers' voice seemed to be unaffected. – He knew about Mellos' behaviour too well; - Good enough to know he wouldn't harm him.

But the young boy kept glaring…

"Keep your decency anyway young man!" Roger responded harshly.  
"In case of this accident, the results will be announced tomorrow.  
On the board, as always."

Mellos' grip lost it's strength when he realized how aroused he was, and how angry, and_…_ lost. His hands hurt already,- but he didn't give a damn.  
Did Roger recognize anything in his eyes?  
That he was lying? – In an instant_…_ he looked away, to the floor.

Clean, and polished as usual. So_…_ cold.

"You haven't done anything to harm Near do you?"

He looked up, unable to cover the fear in his eyes. "No!!" – He tried hard to catch his conscience again and to cover his anger and fear…

His eyes faced Rogers, as a proof of his credibility.

"Was that all, Mello?"

"Yes." So he stomped away, bangs covered his eyes.

When he knew, Roger was out of sight, he clenched his hands to fists again.

"Shit!" He scolded himself.

The kids on the floor didn't recognize him at all, in fact they got used to it and went away as quick as they could, when hey saw the honey-haired beating his fists against the wall.

"Shit… Shit… Shit!!!"

When he heard a familiar voice approaching: "Hey Mel" he sounded afraid and also sad "I've been searching you for, - felt like ages!"

He leaned against the wall next to his friend. He lowered his voice:

"You went to the ambulance, right?!"

It had been more a determination than a question.

"Did you… find out anything… About-" -

- "No! – I didn't. I was so… stupid. To go there,

now Roger _must_ suspect me."

He seemed to be very angry about his out-of-mind behaviour.

"This really was, unlike you. I-"

- "I know already.. But.." He beat the wall again, with less force,

it seemed quite desperate.

"So you _do_ care about him." Matt noticed.

Mello met Matts eyes with a gaze of realization and,- he … didn't like it.

Matt knew this already.

Mello was too predictable and he knew him too well to know, that this wasn't all that had to be said about this whole messed up situation.

"Hey.. Let's have a talk in my room, kay?"

Although it was a rhetorical question, Mello nodded.

He really was the only one in this hell of competitors, he could get along with. He knew, even if he wouldn't say anything at all; - he'd be able to know exactly how he felt. – And thought.

This night, they'd keep talking for hours.  
Another day was dawning, when they decided to catch some sleep

until classes were about to begin.

-+-

When Roger noticed that both boys skipped breakfast,  
- what was very unusual for them,-

he went to have a talk with the nurses,

which took care of Near during the dawn and the night-time.

He told them to keep an eye on Nears visitors.

He wanted to know the date and time of each children, that came to see the fragile boy.

If Mello was about to apologize to Near,

- of what he was sure about – he wanted to know.

When it came to his actions, the rascal with the sky-blue eyes was predictable: Roger knew he'd never come during daytime.

He'd never compromise himself on something in front of others.

This was the worst thing that could happen to Mello.

So he'd never walk to see his worst enemy during daytime for everyone to see.

He really hoped that nothing more was about to happen to Near right now. He wasn't doing well.

So were the exams for Mello…

-+-

-M-

When he woke up he realized that it was Saturday.

He threw the alarm-clock against the wall.  
It broke.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

A few sun streams entered through the window; - the room was swimming in the warmth of the sun.

He stretched his arms and the sheets slipped off his head.  
Sunlight brightened up his icy-blue eyes and pricked his eyes.

Mello shuddered and threw the bedcover over his head and turned away.

"Mmmmhh…"  
_I can't be this sleepy, can I?_

This was unusual…

But unusual had been a lot of things lately.

Slowly he turned around again, facing the sun.  
He could barely see anything but white.  
When he got used to it he sat up with a sigh and went through his hair.

He gave the insides of his nightstand a quick frisk.

_Chocolate. Yesss…_

He unwrapped the foil and walked to the window. With a curious glance in anticipation of new snow he raised an eyebrow: Not much snow was left.

He doubted that there would be new snow for today.

He pouted. His eyes went through his room: A bed, a nightstand, a table, a chair, a cupboard, two bookshelves and…  
The broken alarm clock…

He sighed and closed his eyes.

_Can't I do anything different than breaking things…_

He had another look out of the window.  
The melting snow reminded him on his rival.

_Near._

He really had to go and see him. If he was okay or…

_Why the hell am I thinking about it?  
I really should get this behind me that I can concentrate properly._

The talk with Matt really helped him a lot.

Matt told him that it was okay to worry, and that Roger would never know if he wouldn't tell him.  
He was unsure if Near was able to talk under his present condition.

`Of course it was stupid to run after Roger and that Near`, Matt told him in the early morning.  
`But every child could have thrown a snowball to the window!´

Did that mean he wasn't _that_ guilty at all?

He decided to go and see that Albino during the night.

-+-

-+-

- N –

He hated pain.

Pain was something… unbearable.

For him but was as if his blood boiled in his head and made it numb.

Every time he wanted to move, his brain seemed to make an awful sound, along with the pain it caused.

He felt like he was going to throw up and that was the fact why he hated being sick.

When he was very, very young his mother went to the hospital every day.

They had to check his skin and his eyes and his heart and... and… and…

He couldn't do anything but to breathe.

Talking would send his voice humming across the body, through every vein, every fibre…

In his silent pain, he finally fell asleep.

- M -

It was rainy night, when Mello suddenly got up and strayed through

the floors of the orphanage.

Everyone seemed to be asleep, - except him and Matt.

Mello had to wake him up before, because he had lent him his alarm clock.

"Matt.." he shook him a bit.

"Ma~att… Wake up." With a slight mutter the redhead turned around and released a gameboy on which he had slept.

"My belly.."

– "We don´t have time for that you know?!" was Mellos only reply.

So he didn´t sleep well enough for this so important secret mission.

The blonde felt a bit upset about it and put the extra blankets on his friends bed. "Come on and hurry up! You'll never know when Roger 's coming around to check rooms today." Because he was pissed and upset, his whisper sounded like an angry hissing.

"Hmnn.. Ok-ay…" He pushed himself out of the bed.

Mello was wide awake and shoved him to the side, when he made his preparations:

Blankets under the Sleeping Blankets, - the oldest trick of the world.

In his own mind he was very disappointed of himself: As a fact, he didn´t find any better idea than this at last.

"C'mon Matt." He was merely dozing off, when the blonde grabbed his arm and took the sleepy creature with him…

-+-

When they finally reached their destination, Matt walked behind a wall on the long floor, making sure to inform Mello if anybody made his way towards Nears room.

The blonde had an uneasy feeling about this action, but backing off wouldn't be his style,- and he wanted to look good in his friends mind: brave, strong and a leading person.

It always had been like this; - If the other orphans hadn't any good ideas

What they could play (instead of soccer) he would always be the one to tell them what to do instead, and to make a final decision;

-most of the time.

Being in deep thoughts he finally realised that he made it to the door.

He didn't really want to see the albino, but if he knew it was him,- because he already happened to see white hair appearing on the windows of the common room… - `Nah… Maybe I'm just seeing ghosts and..´

In a wave of frustration, self-hatred and,- to his own surprise- guilt,

He managed to finally pull the door open.

Without knocking or looking in first he went in, turned around and closed the door.

Moonlight was wandering over white sheets, making white hair glow and emerging the frail body under them. He looked almost dead.

`Maybe he isn't even human´ Mellos mind stated.

But he pushed the thought away soon, when he remembered the scene from the day before: Roger running across the snowy field of the playground, holding the white package, that had been Near.

He shook his head and took a few steps towards… When nothing happened he felt he should just say what he had to and go back to Matt again. – He would be waiting.

Matt … He watched Nears facial expression: Really dark lines underneath closed eyes. He must have had fought against pain to catch some sleep. He knew they wouldn't give the short, skinny boy too many painkillers.

So they wouldn't last too long and Near wouldn't say a word, like he knew, the shy boy always did.

The shy boy. The smart one. AAAaargh-

"Serves you right!" He stated in anger and almost slammed the door behind him.

"Mello! Are you…" stupid was the word which almost fell from the young boy, his head looking out from behind the wall.

But seeing Mellos mad expression, meaning nothing good, his mouth froze shut.

"Let's get back." He demanded and they both got back to Matts room.

"And?" The redhead asked, taking the gameboy in his hands wide awake now.

"Nothing." Came the short harsh answer. Making the black figure turning on it's heel and leaving an image of angry blue orbs in the gamers mind.

With a questioning look on his face, he shook his head in understanding and continued playing his games.

Mello cursed himself in his mind, before sleep caught him.

-+-

-+-+-+ NOTE +-+-+-

Finally uploaded this chapter. I didn't feel like writing and had difficult times.  
But writing this story makes me feel good.  
I first didn't knew how to put this meeting in Nears room to words.  
I guess it's more like our little blondhead with his fiery temper to not apologize.  
Hope u liked it. Please review.


	6. What beautiful stars

**iced rain**

Chapter Six :

_What beautiful stars…_

[Yiruma]

The next days passed and the snow fell again.. and again.  
There was nowhere to run from this white hell.  
Mello felt trapped.  
Trapped in this white hell around him.

Roger seemed finally getting back to his old self, but the stress left marks on the old man. He seemed to stray through the floors more often, to keep everything under control. - It was the only thing he could do at the time to keep him together.  
The kids seemed to feel this instinctively and tried not to make too much fuss.

The nights were icy cold. So not many kids,-even the older ones- ran over to their friends during the long floors at night.

Mello was thinking about the excuse, he didn't make...

And it drove him mad. He didn't knew why. Maybe it was the image which was burning in his mind.  
Blood and bandages...  
He shoud've been happy. But he knew it was wrong. He felt the urge to throw up.

`Keep yourself together´

Being inside his mind he almost ran into Roger. "Mello."

"Roger."

He had to be the toughest of them all.

"Watch your step grandpa."

He ran away quickly.  
And left a very unpleased Roger behind.

"Hey Mels." A hand grabbed him out of nowhere. It was Matt, who else?  
He could read in his behaviour, that something wasn't right.  
"Whats your problem?" He knew Mello better than himself.  
"What's yours?" He replied instantly. Mello tried to get away but soon Matt held his left wrist.  
"Lemme go. I don't want to talk. I want to smash something really bad."  
His fiery blue eyes looked dangerous. Ready to kill or ready to cry.

He shook his friend off himself and got away. He ran and ran.

Into the woods.  
He came across the tree Matt kissed him.

He stood there for a moment, exhausted.  
And suddently he kicked against it, again and again, with more power, and less and less energy. Until he fell against it. A total breakdown.  
His hot head against the wooden skin.  
All the thoughts he wanted to go away,-and went away for a few monments of fiery tempered action,- they all got back at him now. The thoughts he had tossed aside during the exams.

They now hit him with full intensity:

Matt, kiss, sleepless nights, the why,

snow, white hair, blood, bandages, moonlight, Near

and pain.

Pain aching in his head, in his heart, and now, in his right foot, too.

"Shit." An exhausted curse between blond hair and angry tears. Welling up inside his throat...  
He felt his lungs getting out of air, it was hard to breathe...

Note: The first part of it. Sorry for being absent so long. *hug*


End file.
